With the release of lockdown restrictions a couple of months ago here in the UK, it feels like the movement in energy allowed something to free up within me, because I’ve been working on an exciting new venture that I’m nearly ready to birth.
It came to me as a magical idea back in June, but really, it’s taken two or three years of inner reflection, freeing myself from the work-life hamster wheel, decluttering my life, moving to Portugal, meeting frustration and struggle, surrender, false starts, detours, distractions, self-judgement, a new relationship… which then broke down a year later, lots of healing, the pandemic and ultimately transformation, to have this idea download pretty much fully formed. Rather like a newborn baby that had a very long gestation period!
So like an expectant mum-to-be I am SOOO…
Disillusioned and frustrated
During the last couple of years I’ve taken a step back from marketing my business because I’d become quite disillusioned and out of alignment with the advice I’d been consuming on how to build and grow a profitable, heart-led, intuitive business. I know this advice definitely works for a lot of people, so nothing wrong with the teaching per se, but frustratingly, I didn’t find a way to make it work consistently for me… and apparently I’m not alone.
Because of that, I made myself wrong, not good enough, a failure for not pushing through or trying harder, and lacking in some way for not being able to follow that linear path to success that lots of other people seem to handle or stick to. I felt ashamed at not being further along than I thought I should be, I thought I was flaky and felt vulnerable to judgement by my family, who all see life through a very different lens than I do.
But also, deep down, I guess I just didn’t want success that way, because it wasn’t MY way, and I began to realise that my version of success was also something quite different.
So instead of pushing on ahead as I used to do with my coaching business, I focused on the more unconventional and faith-based ‘magical’ path by asking for Divine support to manifest different channels for money to flow into my life, although I still kept working with a handful of special clients.
I must say, it was in no way an overnight transformation, but compared to striving with my business as I had done, it happened much more easily, with more fun, adventure and freedom, and a greater sense of abundance that flowed into all areas of life, despite starting with some debt – and some doubt.
There were plenty of challenges and times where I was extremely uncomfortable. The situations life brought me meant I had to confront some of my darkest shadows, perceived lack of power and worthiness, and buried shame. However, ultimately those experiences were transformational, and I’m incredibly grateful to all those individuals who were my greatest teachers, who triggered my old wounds and compelled me to find my sovereignty, sense of value and deservedness, to define and communicate clear, healthy boundaries, find my voice, ask for my needs and desires to be met, and stand in my power.
And now, although where I am materially might not be considered success by some, I generally feel more free and confident to be myself, strong, grounded, joyful, supported, connected, creative, surrounded by love, vibrantly healthy, on purpose and full of possibility. As well as being more financially fluid, I have a stronger faith in unlimited abundance and a deep feeling of safety and security way beyond the material.
After my lockdown break-up I moved back in with my parents which, unsurprisingly, brought up all my unhealed wounds from the past, so it’s not all been a breeze, but it’s been much less difficult than I imagined it was going to be, and I have learned and transformed so much because of it. Plus, it’s brought us all much closer, which is even more amazing!
It’s out of this safe, if emotionally stretchy place, where I let go of so many limiting ideas about myself and my value, that my new idea formed… but not before giving myself a really hard time for all my shortcomings.
Oh no… I’m a dabbler!
In a nutshell, I was berating myself for having started writing another book and not finishing. I was writing a book version of The Flow Project, called ‘Return to Flow’. I thought the global pause of the lockdown seemed the perfect, logical time to write a book, and I expected it to be a piece of cake since I already had a lot of the content. But while parts of it flowed beautifully when I started writing, I eventually ground to a halt.
I lost the flow with writing about flow!
Oh, the irony!
During that frustrating time, instead of staring miserably at my laptop and feeling like a loser, I went out into the garden, because that felt good to do.
I have always loved gardening because it connects me with the earth, I feel grounded when I get my hands in soil, and doing physical work feels like I’m accomplishing something. Plus, it felt great to help my parents out because they can no longer do the physical work that they used to put into their lovely garden.
Bit by bit I transformed parts of the garden that were an overgrown, junk-filled mess that couldn’t be used or enjoyed into something beautiful, with easy access for my mum and dad. I would set myself little projects and felt really happy and satisfied when I’d completed them.
I can’t remember the last time I felt so passionate and involved in something that made my heart sing this way. But my inner critic complained that I was being naughty, bad, irresponsible, undisciplined, weak, pathetic, and useless for not getting on with my book or my business.
It told me to stop enjoying myself so much and go back to my laptop to do some ‘proper’ work. It shamed me into seeing that I was a dabbler; someone who never finished anything or got very far with all her big ideas, and instead just flitted from one thing to another without fully committing.
It was like a nagging flea. It certainly bothered me, but I also reasoned that this feeling of pure joy from pouring my creative energy into something I loved so much couldn’t be wrong. So eventually I surrendered to what felt good and figured that, for some reason, this was where my energy needed to be…
And that maybe I was a dabbler, and that was okay.
Oh great… I’m a dabbler!
Once I’d let go of the judgement or criticism about this part of myself and I embraced being a dabbler, I had such a feeling of liberation because I’d given myself permission to be who I am.
As I explored this further, I saw that this is who I have always been, ever since being a little girl, who loved to play by getting creative and making all manner of stuff, but wasn’t great at doing anything for too long because I had a quick mind and I’d get bored easily.
Although I never valued this, I realise now that I have grown and prospered on all levels from walking this meandering path through life, rather than a linear one with minimal detours, including spending 13+ years being a solo female traveller. I covered many of the earth’s continents and countries, stopping to settle for a few years at a time, but ultimately moving on when my time there felt complete.
I’ve applied my creative and artistic skills to every aspect of life in different forms, paid and unpaid. I’ve been an English teacher in various countries, I’ve explored and trained in multiple healing modalities, spiritual empowerment and mindset techniques to bring transformation to my life and the lives of others. I’ve made money through creating personal and spiritual development groups, networking groups, transformation circles, and I co-created a retreat centre in New Zealand, which we ran for over five years. I’ve created quite a few different gardens from scratch. I’ve hosted workshops, meditation circles, online courses, visioning days, silent retreats and 121 coaching programmes.
No, I haven’t stuck at anything and I don’t have a million in the bank. But bloody hell, I have had a rich life, full of adventures and fun, and I have an incredible circle of family, friends and colleagues who I am so grateful to have in my life.
If this pandemic has shown us anything, it’s what has real value, and that isn’t all about money – although I’m excited about ‘dabbling’ with having a lot of money now to see what’s possible and to make a bigger impact.
Are you a dabbler, too?
Does my story feel familiar to you?
Can you identify with being full of ideas and creative energy, but feeling like a flake because you’ve found it difficult to go the long haul and never quite get that one big thing to completion – without burnout or losing the passion for it?
Do you have a quick mind, love inner transformation work, enjoy learning new things and having a variety of experiences to help you grow, but get bored easily doing the same thing or feel out of alignment quickly with the projects, jobs and ventures you once were so excited about?
Do you feel in your gut that there has to be another way to creating joy, flow and prosperity other than striving along the linear path that most others believe is the only way to success?
Would you like to give yourself permission to do some of those ‘unnecessary’, ‘frivolous’ and ‘unproductive’ activities which make life feel easier, more fulfilling and fun, but which always get sidelined because they aren’t to do with work or making money – without feeling guilty?
If you answered yes to some of those questions, then you might be a bit of a dabbler yourself!
So, I’d like to introduce you to…
If you’d like to explore what it might mean for you to embrace more of your dabbling side, I’d love you to join the magical new women’s community I’m soon to launch called ‘The Conscious Dabbler’.
It will be a creative space for inner transformation, and essentially it’s about freedom:
Freedom from the ‘shoulds’ and mindset of having to walk the linear path to an idea of success that comes more from the patriarchal idea of success than our own…
Freedom to play and awaken our child-like wonder and curiosity, which opens us to more magic and flow…
Freedom to explore, discover and express who we really are and find what has true meaning and value to us…
Freedom to dabble in different things, to discover what ignites our passion and interest, which might hint at our purpose…
Freedom from the pressure of being a perfectionist and the self-criticism inherent in old ideas of success and failure that you’ve taken on as your own…
Freedom to slow down and smell the roses, rather than living life as a race or from scarcity.
It’s about learning to become more authentically ourselves while deepening our trust in the Divine Intelligence of life to always lead us to where we need to be so we can enjoy the journey – TOGETHER.
It will be a space where we have permission to play, experience and discover how it enriches, nourishes and fulfills our lives when we follow the meandering path.
It’s where we can strengthen our self-belief and learn to trust our inner guidance as we share our personal experiences and discoveries in a safe, supportive community of like-minded and like-hearted women.
I’m pretty excited about it, but I don’t have a full picture of how it’s going to be yet. But what I can say is that this project is going to be an adventure that evolves through the spirit and attitude of dabbling. And I know that it isn’t just going to be me leading from the top down. It will be a co-creation, so that the space we create together is truly what we need and want, and as members of this community you get to shape this beautiful space with me.
I’ll keep you posted as things come together, but I’d love to know what you think so far, so please comment below and share your thoughts.
Until next time…